Honestly, Sandie

It’s been quite the wild month. Or year. And I am processing all these things that I could add to the list I started at the beginning of the year that was basically like, Oh shit, look at all these things happening.

It all kicked off with my grandma being in the hospital.

Well, technically, then it was my daughter’s fiancé, who she had been with for 10 years, leaving her.

No, yes. Grandma first. Then the fiancé.

OK, so there’s a list, and I’ll consult the list because clearly I’m out of touch with my own chaos.

But I wanted to add something to the list today because I’m looking at life and its ongoing turbulence, and I think it is just… a lot.

And I wonder if everybody else has a list like I do.

Does everybody else keep a list of all the crazy things that seem to happen along the same road of life, all at once? Like you just keep driving and hitting giant roadblocks and speed bumps and curves and accidents and whatever else gets thrown into the road?

And to be fair, there have been really, really good things too.

I got to go to New Orleans for a cool work trip. I got to go to Hawaii with my husband for our very long postponed honeymoon that turned into a 25th anniversary trip instead. And, by the way, totally worth it and amazing. I just want to be with my husband every second of every day and hang out with him and cuddle him and kiss him and other things.

Anyway.

While we were in Hawaii, one of our kids called to tell us the car he was driving was totaled.

Panic did not ensue. We did not freak out. We just listened and let him tell the story.

Someone ran a red light. He wasn’t going through the intersection at the time. He was stopped at the signal, but the other car spun and everything from the back of the truck that ran the light went flying toward his windshield.

He’s fine.

But it was very Final Destination, and it was very scary.

And the car is totaled.

And the car he was driving is owned by us, so suddenly we have to take an active part in the consideration of all the things that are happening there too.

Anyway.

Then we get home from Hawaii and both my husband and I catch a nasty-ass cold. It takes me out of work for a couple of days. I finally get back to work, and I’ve been promised a promotion.

Then I get word.

We’ve got the promotion! Open your email!

I open the email.

And it’s not really a promotion.

Or at least, it’s not at all what anyone was expecting. Not even my boss. Disappointing on all fronts except, probably, the front of the leadership that decided those were the appropriate accommodations to offer.

Anyway.

Then this weekend I get a call from my brother letting me know my mom fell down and hit her head in the bathroom. The EMTs have arrived. She’s getting into the ambulance. They’re heading to the hospital. She’s basically unconscious.

And immediately I’m like, wow.

This is what happened with my grandma in January.

Holy shit.

What are we going to do?

I get to the hospital. We figure it out. It’s not as bad as we initially thought, which is good. But I spend the whole day Sunday in the ER with her and then all of Monday with her in her hospital room, just making sure she’s OK.

And now it’s Thursday morning, and I’m driving to work thinking about the way life serves us situations.

And I wonder: am I just special?

Are there just certain people where things kind of continue to happen and the list just keeps growing?

To be fair, not every year is like this. Not every month is like this. But I have noticed patterns where things just kind of flow in a way where they trickle on top of each other. It’s either all good or it’s all not. It kind of goes that way.

And I’ve been in the places, as you know, where you very much don’t ever pull the victim card. You don’t take offense. You don’t think things are happening to you.

Right?

I’ve been there.

I get it.

I’ve heard the whole “God’s in control” thing.

And I don’t buy into that anymore. At least not in the way God has been sold to me in this package that is kind of a scary package.

Maybe listening to “The Great Divide” is what spurred all of this because there’s this part of the song about hoping someone isn’t scared to die because of everything they’ve been told about it.

And that hit me.

Because the fear of God shouldn’t be what puts fear in you to live. Or to die.

And then I started thinking about who I am. How I see. How I feel. How empathetic I am. How compassionate I am. How much I want to know people’s stories. How much I want to care deeply about basically everyone I get attached to.

And I started thinking about this very specific friend who I’ve already written about.

I met her through church. She was deep in her own issues and trauma, and I was basically asked to cold call this woman and ask if she wanted to be my friend.

And the hook is that it worked.

But she’s still in places where she doesn’t have the support and love and people surrounding her to help her find safety in life.

And I just wonder sometimes, what is it in me that is like, Oh my gosh, I love all people.

Even the villains of the story.

Because not everybody is just born a mean girl or a badass bitch.

You have to wonder what happened along their storyline that forced them into becoming who they are in this very moment.

My therapist actually brought up Once Upon a Time once when I called her about something. She said this person was basically the Evil Queen.

And I thought that was such an interesting comparison because the Evil Queen is presented as the villain. She’s the bad guy. She’s right there on the villain pedestal.

But then you keep watching.

And you get her origin.

You get the story.

You get the development of her character.

You get to see what happened before she became the person standing in front of you.

And I think that’s all of us.

Every single one of us.

But that’s not even necessarily the entire point of me sharing this today.

The point is that I love that I am who I am.

I love that I get to wonder and worry and ponder and be concerned about the affairs of others. I love that I care so much about other people.

And I understand that it takes a toll on my own life and my own existence sometimes.

But I wouldn’t want it any other way.

I would never want to be someone who can move through the world completely nonchalant, not giving any shits about what is happening around them as long as they themselves are fine.

I’m thankful that I care.

But I think the deeper realization I had this morning is that maybe it’s not that I’m the only one these things happen to.

Maybe we are uniquely shaped by the experiences that develop our character into the specific people we are becoming.

And THAT is where Exposure comes back into this.

The book I’m still writing 11 years later.

Because the entire premise has always been right there in the name.

Exposure.

Everything you go through develops you into the person you were supposed to become all along.

Maybe the people who don’t need to become someone like me would never need my exact experiences for their development.

And maybe I don’t need theirs.

Maybe that’s the whole point of it all.

And I’m sitting here having this giant aha moment and suddenly I just want to go up to a cabin and write.

But instead, I’m going to work.

Yay.

And maybe that’s where I’ll leave this one.

With Noah Kahan reminding me that maybe the things worth being scared of are the ordinary things right in front of us, not our souls, not what happens after this, and not some terrifying version of God we were taught to fear.

There is enough life happening right here.

And apparently, I have a list to prove it.